I've been struggling on and off today to fill in an industry questionnaire. It's not a difficult one, just one that will boost my profile within the hackosphere and, ideally, push my book a bit. It's just that some of the questions are proving a touch tricky to answer diplomatically. Let's face it, if I answered them honestly I'd trash my reputation at a stroke and probably consign the rest of my career to stacking shelves in Aldi.
How can PRs be useful to you?
- By never contacting me except to send me free bottles of 70 proof vodka? Hmm, maybe not.
If we gave you £1000, how would you spend it?
- Easy. On Grade A Bolivian coke, of course. Except, obviously, I wouldn't because Class As are out of the question when you have epilepsy, and the truth - that I'd probably really struggle to blow that much cash in one go - is rather boring.
What books are on your bedside table?
- Right now, apart from Flat Earth News by Nick Davies (a truly brilliant look at the state of contemporary journalism), I'm halfway through a crime novel and I'm also flicking through a "how to" manual on cock and ball torture.* This really is the truth - I'm reviewing it for one of my regular clients, along with a pile of other smut for which I shall be paid - but I fear being honest here will be the kiss of death for the juicy commissions I seek at some very serious financial industry publications.
You can see my dilemma. If I tell the truth, readers will either think I'm a junkie, barking, a filthy pervert or just dull. Or possibly all four. If that's possible. Yet I still need to make it witty and interesting so my peers can see what a brilliant writer I am.
I think I need to sleep on this and give it another go in the morning...
* Warning: NSFW